The Miracle Girl Read online

  The murmuring started, like I knew it would. I gestured with my hand for quiet. “I understand that’s not what any of you want to hear, but you need to hear it. It’s almost August. We have less than half a year to succeed.

  “I am willing to do everything in my power to make sure we do. Even if I have to sell my soul to the fucking devil, I want to keep our doors open. Come January first, I want all of you to have jobs.”

  I looked everyone in the eye as I waited for a brief moment to let that bit sink in. “So I’m asking all of you to pitch in and help. I mean, really pitch in.”

  I slapped the tabletop with my palm. “And fucking stop fighting with me. I’ll make you this promise. Once we get back on our feet, we can work on rebuilding our integrity. But now isn’t the time to act high and mighty. Now’s the time to get our hands dirty. If you can’t do that, I ask that you leave this room now.”

  Several people looked around the room to see if anyone would leave. No one did.

  “Good. Let’s work together. Come back tomorrow morning prepared with ideas.”

  People started to leave, muttering to whoever was exiting with them. Hopefully that would light a spark under their asses.

  Brenda stayed behind. When it was just Avery and me, she clapped her hands. “Bravo, JJ. I was starting to wonder if you had it in you.” She nodded her head approvingly and left the room.

  Avery turned to me with eyebrows raised. “I can’t figure her out.”

  “I think I’m starting to.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  The weeks following Claire’s leaving stacked up quickly. I buried myself in work, and when I wasn’t working I went for long runs or bike rides. Cora was trying to convince me to train for a triathlon. And when I wasn’t exercising, I attended AA meetings. Things were finally looking up at work. My come-to-Jesus talk scared the bejeezus out of most of the staff, and many rolled up their sleeves and got to work. One department head refused to play nice, so I fired him. That terrified the rest to try even harder.

  Claire and I exchanged e-mails and some texts, but it was clear to both of us that it was painful. Neither one of us, though, had the balls to say it, so we both kept up the image that we could be friends.

  Before I knew it, three months had gone by.

  I stood in front of the group. It had been years since I’d done this, and I foolishly thought I was in the clear. That I’d kicked booze and drugs for good. But as cliché as it sounded, addicts really did have to take it one day at a time. Fucking hell, I hated admitting that.

  “I had been sober for ten years. Actually, I had stopped counting the days around the seventh year.” I gripped the podium. “Three months ago I took a drink. Then another and another. You see, there was this woman I loved when I was just a kid, and then we reconnected recently. I finally thought I could have everything I always wanted, but never knew it until it was within my grasp. A partner. A family … but life has a way of putting up roadblocks.” I paused and many in the group murmured in understanding. I continued speaking, laying out my sob story and finished with, “Ninety. I’m ninety days sober once again.” There was applause, but it felt hollow without Claire.

  After the meeting, I wanted to hightail it out of the room, not stop for idle you-can-do-it chitchat. I was ashamed. Cora hadn’t given me an option. If I wanted to keep my job, she’d overlook my transgression as long as I took the necessary steps to stay sober. And with the whole Claire fiasco she knew I needed support more than ever. That meant attending AA meetings. After the first month I argued with her on the phone. How would I find the time to go to meetings every day?

  Her response was pretty typical. “You used to find the time for coke and drinking. I’m sure it won’t be that difficult to squeeze in, really.”

  I hated when people said this shit. It made it crystal clear how fucked up I’d let my life get back then and how hard I had to fight today to stay clean.

  “Excuse me,” said a woman in her late twenties.

  “Yes,” I replied, still itching to get the hell out of the church basement before others had time to approach me and hand me their numbers saying, “If you need to talk, call me.”

  The brunette, who was attractive in the girl-next-door way, blushed. “I’m sorry, I’m kinda new to this. I just wanted to say I was touched by you tonight.” She turned redder, and I felt like I could feel the heat radiating from her face. “I don’t mean literally of course, but by your words. Gosh, maybe I should stop now before I make a bigger ass out of myself.” She put her hand out. “My name is Janie.”

  Janie’s hand was clammy, and I remembered what it was like when I first started AA. Her innocent milk-chocolate eyes implored me to be kind. There was a flicker of something else in her eyes, but I pushed that aside. Getting involved with someone from AA was not recommended.

  “Would you like to grab a cup of coffee or something?” I asked, kicking myself for doing so.

  She shuffled her feet nervously, and I could see her mulling over the idea. “Y-yeah, that would be nice.”

  By the second cup of coffee in the shop around the corner from my apartment, I knew I was in trouble. There was this intensity every time our eyes locked. Once, we both reached for the sugar and our fingers touched. There was a jolt of desire, and it whizzed around my body before it settled in my nether regions, causing my pussy to throb with desire. I don’t need this, I told myself. This would be a horrible mistake. Nothing good would come from this. Just stop, JJ. Think of the consequences. Think of Claire. Having a fling with someone in her twenties isn’t going to help you win Claire back. Sure, she insinuated she wasn’t sure about being with an addict, but staying clean might convince her otherwise.

  The debate in my head continued. She’s much younger than you. She didn’t come to AA to hook up with anyone. Don’t do this.

  “Would you like to come over to my place?” I asked, ignoring common sense and decency.

  A slight smile of recognition inched across Janie’s face, and her eyes glowed with the feeling that the night was just beginning. “That would be nice.”

  I didn’t waste any time whisking her outside. I feared my brain would interfere with my desire if given half the chance to think. If I couldn’t have a drink to get my mind off Claire, I would need another form of release. Hadn’t Cora said I needed to find a release for my pent-up emotions? And Janie provided the perfect opportunity. This made me feel slimy, but it didn’t stop me.

  * * *

  A few weeks later, I waltzed out of my office, ushering one of our citizen bloggers out. “Thanks so much for coming in today.” The woman blushed again. She had kept blushing from the moment we met. Her blog post had gone viral last week. It was about how the press treated the indiscretions of female movie stars, which showed that the double standard from the fifties was alive and well. Avery suggested I bring her in to say congratulations, take some photos, and start a new competition among our bloggers. Unfortunately, due to my schedule, the timing of the meeting was off. I was in a rush to grab a coffee and smoke before dashing off to a charity event hosted by several prominent wives. I’d rather have my left foot run over repeatedly with a lawn mower, but this was all part of the job. At least it wasn’t a black tie event and I could show up in a suit.

  “If you need anything, just let Avery or me know. You’re our star blogger. Keep up the excellent work.” I continued to smile as I walked her to the elevator.

  There was a commotion at Avery’s desk, but I positioned my body so the woman couldn’t see what was happening. Once the elevator closed, I walked to Avery’s desk to find Janie arguing with my assistant.

  What was going on? I glanced at my watch, sighing.

  “Hey you, what are you doing here?” I placed a kiss on Janie’s cheek. Avery had patched a few of Janie’s calls through, so I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was seeing her. Cora had told me to trust Avery, so I did.

  “I thought I’d pop in an
d see if you were available for dinner,” she explained, all the while staring at Avery like she wanted to rip her toenails off. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I had never invited her to my office.

  Avery wore her confident smile that could mean any number of things, but I suspected she wasn’t too thrilled with my current fling. It wasn’t that Janie was a woman. Everyone knew that about me. But Janie was so much younger than me, closer to Avery’s age, and impertinent enough to pop in unannounced. Since Darrell and Claire’s departure, my schedule didn’t allow time to breathe, let alone to participate in idle chitchat.

  “Actually, I’m on my way out to a charity event. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?”

  “That’d be great.” Janie looked at Avery with a grin that suggested she wanted to say, ‘I told you so.’

  “Before you go, Ms. Cavendish, I need you to sign some papers.” Avery tapped her pen against her thigh.

  “Of course.” I suppressed a smile and thought it clever of her to call me Ms. Cavendish as a way to inform Janie that this was a professional setting, not junior high. But I wasn’t entirely sure who she was admonishing.

  I told Janie I would meet her at the elevator in a jiff.

  As soon as she was out of earshot, I asked Avery what papers I needed to sign.

  She ignored me. “I’ve seen her before, but I can’t remember from where. I have a bad feeling, JJ. A very bad feeling.”

  This rattled me some, and I pictured Avery’s Krav Maga instincts going into hyper drive, but I pushed the notion out of my head. “The papers, Avery.”

  “Oh. Here they are.”

  I signed them and rushed off.

  When the elevator doors closed, Janie kissed me forcefully. I felt like she was staking her claim and wondered if she suspected that I was also seeing Avery.

  “So, do I need to schedule our meetings through Avery from now on?” she said as she ran her finger down the front of my blouse.

  That made me laugh. “Oh, I would love to hear that during my morning briefings. ‘You have lunch with the mayor, a three o’clock staff meeting, and a fuckfest with Janie at nine.’”

  This appeased her some, and she kissed me again quickly before the doors opened.

  The coffee shop was just down the street, and within minutes we both had a latte in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. We sat on the edge of a small pond and took in its rock formation with a fierce looking eagle on top. Upon further scrutiny, I saw that a snake dangled from the eagle’s mouth. Water gushed down the rocks, and I could feel a slight spray on my hand.

  Janie followed my eyes. “Are you a fan of Western art?”

  “It’s funny. I never thought I was, but being back here, I’m realizing how much I missed it.” I sipped my coffee. “Sometimes I feel like the snake.” I motioned to the eagle’s mouth.

  “No wonder, with people like Avery on your staff.” She looked away.

  “Oh, it’s not Avery I’m worried about.”

  Janie’s head snapped back to me, and for a brief moment she looked like I had just stuck a gun in her back. The muscles in her face relaxed as quickly, and she leaned close to me and said, “Who are you afraid of?”

  I laughed. “Oh, the list is far too long to get into now.” I glanced at my watch. “What are you doing later tonight?”

  “Hopefully fucking your brains out,” she said without any indication that I would be offended by her words.

  I wasn’t. Janie was a wonderful distraction.

  “Good. My place or yours?”

  “Yours of course.” I still hadn’t been to her place. I assumed she was embarrassed by her accommodations. I imagined being a hostess at a steak joint didn’t pay all that much. However, whenever I offered to go to her place, she found an excuse to meet at mine instead.

  “Meet me there around ten.”

  She nodded.

  I stood in front of her awkwardly, not knowing what to do. “Okay, then. See you later.” I kissed the top of her head and left without either of us saying another word. Guilt inched up slowly like a spider crawling up the length of my body. Shaking off the creepy tingling sensation, I headed for the event. Soon, I would be in bed, naked with Janie, forgetting everything.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “I’m not sure we want to go that route,” said Brenda.

  Avery countered, but I didn’t have the heart to listen to their debate. Brenda was the most experienced director left at the paper, and once a week the three of us met to discuss the paper’s next move in a more private setting. The Monday morning meetings continued with all the directors of course. However, these smaller meetings were more fruitful.

  One of the last things Claire said to me was I should put my faith in Brenda. Cora told me that Avery was trustworthy, so I let her in more. I realized I couldn’t save the paper on my own. Every time we made some inroads, we started hemorrhaging in a different area. We’d increase online subscribers, yet some of traditional advertisers balked and left. Or we’d have a successful blog competition only to annoy some of the writers on our staff. It was an endless battle. I was starting to think no matter how hard we fought, we would lose the war. We needed a fucking Hail Mary. Like the time I met Cora in a coffee shop three days after I arrived in New York, jobless after my backpacking trip. We talked about my travels, and Cora offered me a job as a travel writer on the spot.

  I studied Brenda’s outfit and hair. She looked more like a bag lady on the streets, the way her striped bulky sweater hung off her even though she wasn’t a skinny woman. Underneath she wore a plaid shirt, and her ginger corduroy pants didn’t match either her shirt or sweater. Her hair, as usual, was completely out of control. Yet when she spoke about important matters she was confident, intelligent, and insightful.

  Avery was the exact opposite. My assistant always looked put together, and I suspected her clothes were even more expensive than mine. Her hair and makeup were flawless. Avery exuded confidence. Brenda looked like a clown. Yet, both were great at their jobs and complemented each other well.

  Avery got up to leave, but Brenda stayed put. As soon as Avery was out of earshot, Brenda said, “So that day in Claire’s office, both of you played me for a fool.” Her tone suggested she wasn’t bitter, but finally in on the joke.

  Only I didn’t know what joke she was talking about. “I’m sorry. What?”

  “Oh come now. When I was trying to determine who Claire was seeing, it was you, wasn’t it?” Brenda jutted her chin out and furrowed her brows.

  Hesitating momentarily to determine if Claire had said anything, I realized Brenda was fishing.

  I shook my head. “Sorry. Not it.”

  At the moment I wasn’t involved with Claire, and I hoped that helped me appear sincere.

  Brenda examined my face like she was waiting for some sign that I was fibbing. “Nope. It’s you. Or it was you.” She looked away, not expecting me to answer or to lie again. “Ever since you came to my office about Claire’s going away party, I knew I was missing something. The other day I had lunch with Claire and mentioned how you joked that you would give me a raise if I could convince you to stay. The look on her face told me everything. I started to suspect when she pulled me aside on her last day and asked me to help you. Claire was never one to ask for favors, and I knew there had to be a good reason. I mulled it over, and the only thing that makes sense is love.”

  “Love?”

  “Jesus, JJ. For someone who’s supposed to be brilliant you really are nutty.” Brenda sipped her coffee that surely was cold by now.

  It was hard not to burst into a gale of laughter. Brenda the mad woman was calling me nutty. She was the nutter.

  Brenda ignored me completely and continued talking, more to herself. “To think, wrecking a relationship with Claire. Beautiful, honorable, caring‌—‌you couldn’t find a better person, and to muck it up. For what?”

  She leveled her gaze on me
, including me in the conversation once again.

  “The job. I bet you did it for the job.” She blew out some air, disturbing the hair that hung in front of her left eye.

  The nutter looked away from me and continued debating on her own. “But what about the job. What set Claire off? It couldn’t have been Darrell. Everyone knew he’d be the first to go.”

  I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable.

  Brenda raised an eyebrow. “It was Darrell, wasn’t it? There was a time when they were super-close, but then something happened. Claire took some time off to have Ian, and when she returned, she barely said two words to Darrell. I asked her about it, but she just said that she was a single mother and was too busy to talk to anyone.”

  I noticed that she had stopped talking, and I looked back in her direction. There was a look of clarity on her face.

  I was tiring of this interrogation, or whatever it was. But I was also intrigued. This woman was a lot more perceptive than I gave her credit for. Actually, I hadn’t given her any credit before.

  “I hope it’s worth it.”

  “What?” I forced the word out and cringed to hear my voice crack like a teenager caught sneaking into the house after curfew.

  “Whatever you chose over Claire.”

  Ironically, I did choose Claire. To protect her at least.

  In the past I had been lectured by many and told by a few that I’d let them down. It was never a pleasant experience, but I was pretty quick to shake it off. But the rebuff by Brenda, for some reason, stung the most. Maybe because she actually verbalized what I had been feeling ever since Claire left. I had the perfect woman and lost her. Again. Brenda didn’t know the true reason why Claire left. No one but Cora and Claire knew my history. My past. If only I could shed my past.

  When Brenda left, I reached for my phone. Letting out a sigh, I dialed Janie’s number. Her energetic hello didn’t cheer me up. “I feel like leaving the office early today. You want to meet me at my place in an hour?”